The Key to a Successful Marriage, or, How Not to Kill Your Spouse

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. There have been days I would like to strangle him; there are days he'd like to pour Xanax down my throat and drown me in the bath tub and make it look like an accident. It's all part and parcel to any marriage.

But there are remedies to these situations, and I know because I've learned that marriage is like maneuvering through a mine field... blindfolded, with earbuds in your ears, blaring The Carpenters; you almost wish you would step on a mine.

Here are some scenarios that place you directly in the middle of the minefield. And here's how you get out of them:

1.Wife) "Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Answers are variable. If she really looks wretched in them, the correct answer(s) is:

a.) Wow, I think you need new jeans. Those are all of a sudden baggy on you. Have you been eating enough? I think we should skip dinner at home. You look like you could use a steak dinner out tonight. BOOM! Great food followed by great sex.

b.) Aww, are you wearing those? They don't show your butt off like the black skirt does. Rawr. Here's a glass of wine.

1. Husband) "Phew, horrible day today. I'm exhausted.

a.) "Poor baby. You work so hard. I'm going to make you a great cup of coffee and cook you some dinner." Then take your clothes off.

b.) Take your clothes off first and then go out to eat after. Aren't men simple and doesn't that make life easy?

2. Wife) "The kids are driving me crazy!"

a.) Why don't you go take a bath while I cook dinner? Here's a glass of wine.

2. Husband) "My boss is a complete shitheel and I wish he would keel over dead."

a.) "Want I should kill him for ya?" Then only proceed if you're sure you won't get caught. Not an optimal choice, but in the end it could solve all your problems. Or, get naked.

b.) Remember that cute babydoll you bought at Victoria's Secret? It's time for it to not be so Secret anymore. Offer the Jack and Coke only after the babydoll has been put to use.

3. Wife) "Do you know what today is?"

a.) "Of course! Oh wow, I have to go to the bathroom. I will be right back." (Don't forget your iPhone with the important dates marked down) As soon as you realize it's your anniversary, make reservations at the nicest restaurant in town, then emerge from the bathroom and ask your wife why she isn't dressed to go to dinner, after all, it's your anniversary. "Here, have a glass of wine to toast twenty years together!"

3. Husband) "Did you use my chamois to dry the dog?"

a.) "But I washed it with the sheets! Come see the bed."

b.) "Of course not. I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey, did I show you the new stilettos I bought?"

See? Men and women are simple, just different. Want to avoid your wife throwing the chihuahua at you? Placate her with time off and never forget the glass of wine. Your husband just bought an ax, duct tape, and a tarp, get naked. No not really. Call the damn police immediately!

*Feminists, don't get all pissy about this. It's a joke.