Asshats in Armani

I have some admittedly guilty pleasures. One is sitting at my vanity to do my hair and makeup...and watching the Maury Povich Show. I don't get to do it too often, but when I do I have to confess I really enjoy it.

Yep, I admit it. Other people's insanity makes me feel slightly better regarding my own. Kids, house, dogs, cats, bird, landscapers, pool guy all conspire to drive me demented. So occasionally it's entertaining to blank my brain and listen to something that's completely ignorant and foolish. I enjoy the witless entertainment only imbeciles without the slighest regard for their own pride can provide. Ah, nothing like the "I'm 1000% Sure You're My Baby Daddy" shows. Surely at this one moment in time, politics, health care, the economy, the national debt, crime, whatever, needn't enter the equation.

So I'm sure you'll be as shocked as I was, when I was forced to examine something I witnessed while watching good ol' Maury that actually made me think. Yes, I said it, I actually had to think during the Maury show, instead of simply pondering who lifted the rock.

I only managed to catch the last thirty minutes of today's show, and during that time, I counted twenty commercials in three separate breaks (which is why I believe the Tivo may be the greatest invention ever). After the first four commercials, that little light blazed in my head, despite my great endeavor to keep it dim, and I opened a drawer and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. I started jotting down the commercials

In that thirty minutes, the follwing are the commercials that were aired (pardon the length):

The Scooter Store - If Medicare turns you down for your scooter, we'll give it to you for free! 

Avandia Lawsuit.com: If you or a loved one were injured by the drug Avandia, call this number...

The Law Firm of Robert Johhnson: If you've been turned down for disability, call us!

Richard Harris Law: Personal injury Attorney

Shook and Stone, Attys: Personal Injury, Worker's Comp, and Social Security

Golightly and Associates: Personal Injury Attorney

Glen Lerner, Attorney at Law: Personal Injury, with a blinking "NOW HANDLING BANKRUPTCIES!!!"

Snuggies - A blanket with sleeves, so you can lay around and get fat. But wait, there's more! Now available for your dog, too!

Sam Harding, The Good Guy, Atty: Personal Injury

The Half Price Lawyers (I'm not kidding) Personal Injury

Sam Harding, The Good Guy, again

Everest School

Whole Life Insurance Company

Aaron and Paternoster, Attys: Bankruptcy

Randolf Goldberg, Atty: Bankruptcy

Cox Communications

4 Top Gun, Attys: Auto Accidents

Las Vegas Athletic Clubs

Richard Harris: Disability (this time, see above)

Really? I mean, do we really require that many attorneys suing people for everything from a fender bender to disability checks for people who aren't disabled? Damn, now I had to turn the brain back on, and lose the gratification of finding out if Edwin fathered Ashley, Ramzia, and Latrice's (linked in case you, too missed it) babies.

Two incidents came to mind immediately.

About three years ago, we all piled into our truck and were headed to the mountains. We were stopped at a red light, waiting to turn onto the highway when we were struck from behind by a driver doing about 60. He didn't even slow down, just plowed into us. Everyone was fine except me. My youngest daughter had drawn a picture of me and wanted me to have it, and I was reaching back to get it when we were hit. I was thrown forward despite my seatbelt, but it was frankly nothing more than some neck problems that eventually subsided. The police came, yada yada, and we went on our way. When we contacted his insurance to pay for the damage to our truck, which thankfully wasn't an obsene amount, they gave us the run around and I was forced to hire an attorney, or so I was led to believe. At our first and only meeting with him, he suggested I sue for pain and suffering as well as the damage to our vehicle. "Why?" I asked. "Well because you were hurt of course. We can sue for three times the amount of medical bills you incurred. Your husband can sue for Loss of Consortium." When I explained I was fine, that there was no need to sue for any injury, he refused to take the case and sent me to an "honest" attorney who eventually arranged to have our truck repaired.

The other incident was actually a tragedy. A friend of ours and her husband had been trying to have a baby for years, and when some quack doctor from Bangladesh convinced her her health problems may be caused by polyps in her sinuses, and hence her infertility, in desperation she opted to have laser surgery to remove them. Unfortunately, that quack doctor also managed to blow a hole through her brain, and killed her. When the smoke cleared, her husband was on a mission to make sure that doctor never practiced again in this country, and succeeded when the doctor's license was revoked and he was deported. While her husband was on his crusade, her parents and brother were busy arranging to sue the doctor. When the husband refused to join their lawsuit, saying he could never benefit financially by his wife's death, her parents went ahead and were awarded more than $4 million. When her husband reminded his in-laws that money wouldn't bring his wife back, they sneered at him and called him foolish. They bought a huge house, nice cars, opened a business that was guaranteed to fail, had plastic surgery, and are today as poor as church mice. And it still didn't bring their daughter back.

We watch these commercials day after day. We see attorneys in cahoots with doctors to pad medical bills and fabricate and amplify injuries. We see insurance companies sued for enormous sums for a minor fender bender, and then we sit back and snivel and whine when our auto insurance premiums mount when we've had no accidents or tickets. Some people bemoan the lack of affordable health insurance, while sitting by and watching attorneys boast of the amounts their clients were awarded for the misdiagnosis of an ingrown toenail, all the while promising you the same results; just give them a call. Then there are the attorneys who gain a lifetime of disablility payments for someone who claims to have anxiety attacks or a fear of, I don't know, toads, and cannot go outside for fear of the little brown hoppers.

As many of you know, I live in Las Vegas, and we didn't earn the nickname Sin City for nothing. If you look in our local phone book, you'll find about 60 pages of "entertainers" which can translate to say,  dancers and divas, to a little rub and tug and Me Love You Long Time. Attorneys on the other hand occupy no less than 200 pages, which can also be translated to the same kind of hidden prostitution. They're the biggest whores around, in my humble opinion, screwing their clients, insurance companies, and even the taxpayers, while we sit back and become the most ridiculously litigious society ever known to man.

So the next time you see one of these commercials, remember the money these attorneys are hustling, the price we all will pay in the end for our sue-happy society, and the venal attorneys that have convinced us it's our right to sue anyone for any petty reason.

To think I had to miss the rest of the Maury Povich Show to think about attorneys. Well at least now I know who crawled out from under that proverbial rock, and it's a sad day when it's less likely the woman that has no idea who fathered her child, and more the hustler who calls himself esquire, and who will one day be "representing" us in Washington.

© 2009 The Liberal Heretic